The Real World is So Much Better than the Internet One

When we retreat into online worlds, we're trading down

I used to be very online. I sorta still am. But I’m trying not to be.

It was a little bit of a requirement at my job for a time. I was writing for a mostly internet audience. I was “remote” at my job. Like a lot of journalist types, I was just dialed into Twitter (the methamphetamine of the internet) all the time.

As far back as I can remember, even in my newspaper days, the internet always had a little bit of a mean edge to it. I remember being appalled at the comment sections. Not just in a censorious/PC way. There is one occasion in particular, where I remember being really bowled over by the casual cruelty, the sort of mob mentality that took over.

Still, I don’t remember the internet being this bad a decade or so ago. When I got started, we had high and very idealistic hopes that it could be a helpful tool in solving problems. Obviously, that is not how it played out.

Yesterday I posted something about how politics should be about loving and helping people, not ideology. And some rando went on this tangent verbally abusing me over it. It was honestly nuts.

Intellectually I can understand, people are not okay. I think at a certain point certain political actors tried to use this kind of approach — just like constant furious abuse — to gain advantage. But in the process, everything just got broken. Not just politics, much bigger things.

I’ve always thought there is this impulse on the part of (some) men to just kind of yell at and abuse women who express opinions that are different from theirs. It seems to be, a little bit gendered but IDK I guess. That being said, I haven’t gotten to experience the internet from a man’s perspective either.

While I do kinda understand intellectually that it’s not usually about me but, this kind of thing is still a lot. It still affects my mood a little bit, when someone is a jerk. The other day I was sitting at a basketball game with my son, and I got a message like that and it was just taking up space in my brain, despite myself. Why would I hand over that kind of control of my emotions to a complete stranger? And here I am not present with my son who I love so much at this place I love so much. It’s like robbing me/us of our essential joys.

There’s cruelty in the real world too obviously. I shouldn’t idealize it too much. But we have built better social controls on it, over centuries.

I basically would not tolerate that kind of absive behavior from someone in real life. And I don’t have to deal with it that much, because I’m not going around being a huge jerk myself. If that guy had been a work person, I would quit, or try to cut ties. If they were a friend type, same. I did end up just blocking the guy. But still.

It used to be at the end of a work day, after being online all day, I would end up feeling a little bit dirty and down. Again, maybe that is a normal feeling for workers.

But more and more I find myself having the exact opposite experience in the real world. Yesterday, I went skiing with my kids. We joined the “ski club” at their school, which I am so happy we did.

Basically every Wednesday a number of families from the school drive 20 or so miles to the closest ski area, which is a tiny little skiing place, which only has a few hills. This is not Vail, just to be clear. I’ve never skied outside of Ohio.

I have been enjoying it so much though. My kids are 7 and 9 and they both learned this year, we’ve only been twice. But it’s cool to see them pick it up and then race off with their cute friends. It’s nice to be outside.

My daughter looks so cute in her hooded fur jacket. Being out there on the slopes with her little friends is pretty amazing.

Even though this skiing area is really pathetic by like Colorado standards, it’s still pretty. It’s in the Cuyahoga National Park, so it’s surrounded by woods. And from the top of the lift the views, especially at sunset, are just beautiful.

It’s also nice to be with the other families and get to know the kids a little.

My kids were off at lessons or with their friends last night so I was solo skiing a little bit. The park was mostly teenagers, high schoolers. And I got to share a lift with a few of them.

It was interesting. For someone my age, teenagers are a little intimidating. Also, me, just being a mom and older woman, I’m the kind of person who a lot of times has authority over teenagers, so I think that affects how they treat me. Sometimes they are a little rude or resentful right off the bat.

But I didn’t have any authority over these kids. And it was surprising, on the trips of the hills, I was able to chat with them and relate to them a little. One of the kids I met told me he was Ukrainian, born there, but has lived here for a while but still has family there. He said he really missed it and wanted to return (assuming it can recover from the war.)

There were actually a good amount of high school kids solo skiing, IDK if it’s the loneliness epidemic or whatever. And maybe it’s just being outside and moving around, or having the shared basis of liking skiing, but I enjoyed chatting with them. Getting to interact with people — especially people who are a tiny bit different from me — in an open, non transactional way, maybe it’s just my age, but that is the coolest thing.

Being outside, being active, being in a “community", it is the exact opposite of that dirty feeling, the residue the filth of the internet leaves on my psyche. It makes you feel secure, happy, inspired, grateful.

On the internet, there’s always this impulse to reduce people to stereotypes. The kids skiing, at least on liberal channels I’m more familiar with, would be white and privileged (and skiing is a bit of a luxury of course, even at these kinda accessible tiny slopes in suburban Cleveland. Still most of these kids are middle-class, or maybe a little better). In internet stock types, I would be a Karen.

All the individuality and beautiful/terrible complication of our social system, we have to simplify and strip out. It’s too confusing to try to deal with how enormously complicated everything is.

In the real world though, it’s not that hard to transcend those kinds of tropes. Tonight I went and coached basketball for my son’s rec team. That’s another arena where different people can sort or come together around a common goal.

I don’t know much about basketball, for a basketball coach anyway. I never played. I’m only the assistant coach. But I learn all the kids names. And encourage them. I give them the obvious tips. And I find that’s enough to have a little positive relationship with them, and by extension with their parents.

Those are the kind of relationships that are meaningful, anyway, in a political sense. Not these very superficial ones online, where everyone is confused about who is who and what they represent.

I got an email recently from a neighbor woman. She’s an older woman, I’ve known for years. She has always been a total sweetheart and very helpful. She’s working on a property tax relief measure for seniors, she said.

I was thinking over the proposal on its merits. It’s interesting. I don’t know everything about it. It’s not my area of expertise. But this woman, she has built up a lot of credibility with me, just being there over the years, and being a positive influence in the community. It doesn’t mean I’m fully on board but, this is the kind of circumstance where I am open to learning more about someone’s perspective and getting engaged in a political problem.

I hope we can kind of find our way back to that.