Feminism, Family and Power

It's (more) complicated, I think, than "the discourse" reflects.

I chose a photo of Carmela Soprano for this piece, even though I, admittedly, haven’t watched the whole series and am no expert. So forgive me for that. Even without having done so, I feel like I sorta get what this (beloved) character is about and represents.

It was a complex and sympathetic portrait of a middle-aged wife and mother that we don’t get very often in television. They are seen as too boring, too trite to investigate. But Carmela, being a mob wife, of course, was an exception.

Recently, there was a little bit of an (online) fashion trend called the “Mob Wife.” I admit to thinking it was sorta fun and cool. We can all picture and know this style. Lots of black, lots of animal print. Big hair.

Since it’s fashion and woman coded, it’s the kind of thing “serious people” just kind of role their eyes at. But there’s something to the fact that women were tempted to play with this style, kind of trying on the costume of this character, who was obviously very morally compromised, but who was all smart, probably and savvy, like Carmela (I assume). A woman who found herself in a certain circumstance maybe one she didn’t completely control, but played the hand she was dealt with a degree of cunning that is kind of hard to watch but also sort of awe inspiring. Even though these crime syndicates were almost totally male, a woman like Carmela exercised a degree of power, through her relationship with Tony and the other characters and how she responded.

We all know women like that, if we know them intimately. Maybe they’re married moms. Maybe they’re single moms. Maybe they’re cool aunties that are close with the family. Maybe they are not running shareholders meetings. But they are not boring victims, even if they came of age before the 1970s. Within their families and communities, they are the bosses. They are controlling everything, making miracles happen. They are interesting characters in their own right, even if they don’t always get the kind of respect they deserve.

In addition, the legacy they leave, most of the time, is a much more positive one, than the default main character like Tony Soprano, who is just causing massive amounts of pain and destruction. These women in our communities, whose lives are being overlooked and sneered at, they are doing the hard and important work of making society run, or caring for people, maintaining ties to family, supporting institutions like churches and schools and social service agencies that are outside the corporate sphere but profoundly important to society.